My Struggle with Breastfeeding

Truth: In my experience, nothing ever goes perfectly as planned. For me this was also true with breastfeeding. I had all intentions of exclusively breastfeeding Myles from birth until at least six months old. This is not at all how things worked out, and I’m finally at peace with that, even though I felt so much initial guilt and shame. Keep reading to find out about my baby feeding journey.

As I mentioned in my hospital stay post, I feel like a made a major mistake by telling the hospital staff I wanted to breastfeed during my induction. As soon as baby came out, they really put the pressure on. The only thing I knew about breastfeeding as a first-time mom is that I’d really have to shove my boob in baby’s mouth so he’d latch properly. Welp, this information wasn’t enough to get Myles latched (shocker). My a**hole labor and delivery nurse intervened and roughly did all of these things to my nipple to try and get it to come out more. The weird thing is I’ve never had flat nipples, but from general pregnancy swelling and hormones, that area was so swollen that there was nothing for Myles to really latch to. She quickly and roughly rubbed ice on me, tugged at me, etc. to no avail. We decided we would try again later, since they say babies don’t need much food for their first couple of days.

When “later” came around and I had a feeling Myles would be hungry, I tried again on my own. This time he was screaming and getting so frustrated. He wasn’t eager to latch, and he would quickly try but scream when he realized nothing was coming out. A recovery nurse brought me a nipple shield, but it was sort of weird to use and also not working.

After about 8 hours of Myles’ life, there was still no milk coming out of me and no sign that he would latch any time soon. I couldn’t see a lactation consultant until the following day, but I knew my baby was hungry. He had been consistently crying. As much as they kept telling me how little food babies need, my baby was huge and I knew what he needed. So, I called a nurse and requested formula. In the moment, it wasn’t hard for me to decide to do that. My mom instincts were guiding me. However, the hard part came when the nurse arrived. She really didn’t want to give us any formula! I argued with her until she agreed. Sure enough, as soon as Myles had some food, he settled down and was able to sleep for a little bit.

When I saw the lactation specialist the next day, I felt super defeated. She had me try pumping and described it as a great alternative to feeding right from the breast, especially with latching issues. She wasn’t putting any pressure on me to breastfeed like the other nurses, but she remarked at how not even a little drop was coming out. I felt like I was failing my baby and something was wrong with me.

We continued to give Myles formula during our 48-hour hospital stay, and my milk still hadn’t come in when we first arrived home either. We broke out the bottles we’d been given and sent my mom to grab us a couple cans of formula. At this point, I started freaking out that I’d never be able to breastfeed, but my mom kept telling me not to worry, that my milk would eventually come in. And boy, was she right!

At about day five postpartum, I started to feel a tingling sensation in my breasts that turned into a horrible tightness and then burning in my nipples. I went to go look at myself in the bathroom, and it was like I’d had an instant boob job! Lol. I was literally dripping milk down my body and in so much pain because they were so full. I sent Mike out for a Hakaa pump to get some relief, but it didn’t do much except catch what was already dripping. Whenever Myles cried, the burning got worse and worse and I would have to leave the room! Aside from the pain and dripping, I also felt nauseated and had chills the first couple of days with milk.

I was really discouraged from trying to breastfeed based on how it had gone in the hospital, but around the same time my milk came in, we started to notice an extreme change in our baby in the form of CONSTANT screaming. I’ll detail this in a separate post, but for now, just know it was awful. A family member convinced me that if I pumped, my baby would feel better. Enter mom guilt here! I knew I didn’t want to pump, but so began my pumping journey. Mike went and got all of the parts we needed for the pump I’d received, and there I went.

I will say, the Medela pump I was using was way less painful than the one in the hospital. Now that I actually had milk, it was also easier to do, because I knew it was productive. I was shocked by how much would spray out – in case like me you didn’t know, there’s not just one stream. Weirrrrd, I know. While I hated pumping, I started feeling really accomplished and proud of myself. I was producing a ton of milk, and I felt like I was doing everything I could to help my baby.

At this point, about a week postpartum, Myles was already eating more than I could make, but I was giving him breastmilk during the day and formula during the night. Instead of improving his constant crying, he kept getting worse. Breastmilk didn’t make any difference for him, and I almost felt like it made him cry harder than the formula. I was at a loss for what to do. Because of the screaming, I literally had to hold him all day and all night, and I was pumping less and less because I just didn’t have the chance to. Every time I missed a pumping session, I would beat myself up over it and feel so horrible like I’d lose my milk. My supply started to plateau when I already couldn’t pump enough to meet his needs, and I was really going through it emotionally. Even just the sound of the breast pump filled me with dread.

I talked it out with my husband after almost a month of this, and he made me feel like I could stop pumping. I knew it’s what I needed for my mental health, and as much as I also knew that it was my decision, I really needed the reassurance of being told by someone I trust that letting go of the breastfeeding journey would NOT make me a bad mom that loved my baby any less. I stopped pumping and after a couple of weeks my milk dried up. I was relieved to have one less thing to worry about, and I became more confident over time that I made the best decision I could’ve made in our situation.

While people love to preach about how great breastfeeding is for bonding and how much better it is health-wise for your baby, they are forgetting there are SO many reasons why a mom may need to use formula. (Note: Even just not wanting to breastfeed is a valid reason to stop.) To shove the breastfeeding propaganda in people’s faces can be extremely emotionally damaging when a mom is going through something like I went through. While I’m happy that I was able to give Myles some of my early milk for whatever possible “immune boost” it gave him, I also know that formula helped me mentally so much, which made me a better mom. It has nourished him enough to the point that he’s strong, solid and wearing 12-18 month clothing at 7 months old, and he is so incredibly close to me! If you have trouble breastfeeding and decide to change your plans, know that you’re not giving up; you are adjusting to you and your baby’s needs, which are often unpredictable. You can still bond with your baby and give them all the nutrients they need, no matter what some "perfect" influencer tries to tell you.

#truthmom