Notes from A 12 Month Old Mother

Truth: My first year of motherhood was hard as a *mother*. I am officially a 12 month old mother! Honestly, part of me can't believe I made it to this point. I hit some of my life's lowest lows this year but also experienced the indescribable joy that comes with watching your tiny human grow, smile, laugh, run and experience the world through fresh, hopeful eyes. Reflecting on this year is also bittersweet because a lot of my baby's firsts were eclipsed by a deadly and terrifying pandemic that kept us very isolated. Even still, I've realized some hard truths that probably apply to moms in many different scenarios and stages of motherhood, and in the spirit of #truthmom, I'll share them below.

You have to accept that there will always be a gap.

This year, I came crashing face first into the gap between the mom that I wanted to be and the mom that I was realistically able to be. Every single day. I was judging myself against the perfect picture I had in my head of the stay at home mom that did all of the projects, all of the housework, all of the fun activities and somehow also looked the part. And every day, I failed in some way. I lost my patience or forgot to do his footprint for the "My 1st Christmas" ornament. I had to pay more attention to working from home than to him for just 1 important meeting. Not to mention, all the "I would nevers" came to life. I would never feed my baby frozen foods. I would never let my baby cry it out. I would never...but then I did. At the height of my PPD, I thought a lot about what it would be like if my baby had a different, better mom. But I can confidently say now that I know I'm the best parent he could ever have, even on days when the gap feels painfully large. I know him better than anyone, and I love him more than anyone else possibly could. Every decision I make is with him in mind, and that is what matters. (Plus, a baby wouldn't know the difference between Kraft Mac and caviar, so... *insert Kanye shrug*)

It's tough to put yourself first, but that's how you can give your best to your family.

As a new mom, it's common to totally lose yourself. We've all heard that you can't pour from an empty cup, but I really had to learn the hard way, which for me was not being able to carry the baby (while home by myself) because I was so dizzy from not eating. I really almost could not care for him because I had not made it a priority to nourish myself. Obviously, it's not always so extreme, but you get the picture. Now, making myself a priority means making sure I get to physical therapy twice a week. It can really be a hassle, but I have to heal my body so that I can be active and play with him for years to come! This goes for your mental health, too. You cannot be emotionally available for your child if you are not okay within yourself. Be the best you that you can be. Period. But, if your mom guilt is kicking in, you can add "for your baby" to the end.

You might still be a mess after a year. It takes as long as it takes.

This is one of the toughest realizations I had to come to. I thought that by the time my baby was a year old, we might be looking forward to giving him a sibling soon or that I at least would be back in shape, even if my stomach was a little saggy. HA! <- That's the universe laughing at past, naïve Natalie. Honestly, I was dumped on in terms of postpartum issues. I have 2 different types of prolapse, crazy back issues, thyroid imbalance and diastasis recti. I am nowhere near physically ready for baby #2 yet, to the point that other people's baby news makes me sad sometimes. I am still 20lbs heavier than when I first got pregnant, and someone even asked me recently if I was expecting. NOPE, just fluffy! I used to beat myself up for this a lot, but at this point I just really respect my body for carrying on for so long with so many issues that everyone ignored for the better part of this year. I am finally getting the help I so desperately have needed, but it will still be a long road. I need to live in this body for hopefully many more years, so I will patiently bring it back to good health with a grateful heart for all it has given me, including great laughs that make me pee my pants. Oops!

Expectations can ruin your day, grace cannot.

While I talked about expectations of myself as a mother, I didn't realize that I would also have so many expectations of my child at such a young age. For example, we took him to a pumpkin patch/petting farm for the first time when he was 10 months old. I was so excited to see him get so excited about the animals and all the new sensations. Guess what? He pretty much gave zero f*cks about the animals and then had a meltdown in the middle of the farm, spurring some dirty looks. Why did I feel disappointed? Obviously my baby was in a new environment and felt uneasy. Obviously, I shouldn't have had such high expectations of his own personal reaction to anything, let alone a stupid petting farm and some pumpkins. So, we scooped him up, let him choose his pumpkin (he actually picked a pimply gourd) and headed home for nap time. I couldn't believe I really almost let my vision of how fun the day would be for him ruin what was still a beautiful day spent with my family. Don't be like me! Our babies deserve grace and the space to process their own unique feelings about every situation, no matter how much we envisioned their perfect reaction.

Thank you for being a part of the #TruthMomTribe and helping to keep me going through this year. I am excited to keep building this community and hoping to help all the mamas out there that can relate to me. I am only a 12 month old mama, so I am VERY far from an expert, but hopefully these tough truths I experienced firsthand can better prepare someone out there to have an even more wonderful first year with their own babe. It really is magical.

#TruthMom