Tips for Protecting Your Parenting Style

Truth: It’s awesome to have family and friends that love to hang out with your kiddos. On the other hand, it can feel stressful to be around them if they’re not on the same page with your parenting style. It can feel even MORE stressful to try to explain things to them, because you don’t want to make things awkward or hurt their feelings. Instead of avoidance or overthinking how they might react, try some of these tips to set clear boundaries and have your family and friends work WITH you, not against you.

1. Let them in on the learning.

When my son started daycare, we placed a huge emphasis on helping him learn how to communicate with us. We are working on getting him talking more, but his teachers also use some simple sign language in the classroom. When we picked up on him using the signs at home, we made sure that we explained to visitors what they mean and asked them to please use the signs along with the words to reinforce his learning. Everyone was excited to get involved and learn his signs, which made it not only easier for him to communicate but also easier for us to teach him new signs and words. Getting your family involved in similar ways will help them to help you, which is also a benefit to baby.

What to say:

“Hi Grandma! Myles is really excited to show you the sign language that he learned. If you see him signing this, say the word that it means and make sure to acknowledge what he’s asking for.”

2. Set clear expectations for discipline.

If you are present, do you want to be solely responsible for discipline, or are you okay with others helping? If grandma is watching your child and he hits her, what would you expect her to do? How do you want people to act if your child starts to have a tantrum? What are some words that you use to signal to your child that a behavior is not okay? For example, I do not spank my child. When he hits, I hold both of his hands and I tell him that’s not nice and that he needs to apologize and be gentle. Generally, when I do this, he gently rubs my face and gives me a hug to show me that he’s sorry. I would NOT want anyone to hit him back or react with aggression or yelling. A great way to get this across is to simply show your family/friends how you react and let them follow your lead. If they don’t, then it would be time to directly bring it up.

What to say:

If they’re allowing the bad behavior: “Uh oh! Hitting isn’t funny. Go ahead and hold his hands and tell him to be gentle and say he’s sorry.”

If they react in an extreme way: “The way that we normally correct this is not by yelling; that makes him angrier. Let’s show him what he SHOULD do instead, which is be gentle and say sorry.”

3. Keep things short and sweet.

A lot of the time, with grandparents especially, things that you are doing with your child might seem different than they remembered when parenting their own babies. If they scoff or make a comment, you are not required to give a long explanation. Even if they are your parent, you don’t owe them some grand justification for how you are parenting your kid… YOU are the parent! Keep it simple to show that your parenting style is not something that is up for debate or can be argued about. In most situations, they probably (hopefully) did not mean to question you, they just might have been looking back on what they did and reflecting on how it was different. Either way, you can respectfully shut it down.

What to say:

“It’s really important to me to teach Myles ___, which is why I do it that way. That’s just how we’ve decided to raise him!”

Family and friends that love and respect you will not try to argue with or sabotage you, especially in front of your kids. In the event you try these tactics and things still aren’t working out, you absolutely have the right to remove yourself and your child from these situations and let the person know exactly why you have chosen to do so. Being around your people should be fun and a chance for you to relax, and I hope this helps you do just that. Also remember that most people really do mean well and just want to help; by expressing yourself clearly and calmly, you will almost always get the results you are looking for.

#truthmom